Players’ Strike Cancels Intramural Softball Playoffs

NEW ORLEANS – The 2009 Summer Intramural Softball Playoffs were canceled Monday due to a strike by the league’s players and coaches. The players walked out after learning of the new video game by EA Sports’ called College Intramural Softball 09, which used the names and likeness of all the players without their consent and without compensation.

Rumors persisted that the games would go on, but the fans were instead treated to a “show” of three scab teams playing a round-robin.

“We walked out,” The Staff manager Justin Newell said. “We didn’t even go out to the field. If they’re going to profit off our names and our personas, we have the right to negotiate royalties.”

Power-hitter extraordinaire William Thacker concurred. “They’ve got a guy on the cover and in the game, named me, looks like me. Has my sweet lefty stroke and crushes home runs like me. But there’s no salary for either of us. That’s wrong.”

Thacker, who led the league with five home runs, claims his name and images is all a man truly possesses in the world. “I worked hard to build my image. My name is my brand. Thacker isn’t just a power-hitter. Thacker is a franchise. If they want my likeness, they gotta gimme the loot. ”

Loot is what centerfielder Kevin Wilkinson was demanding from EA Sports. Albeit, his concerns were not for royalties. Wilkinson seeks damages for defamation of character.

“I have the lowest offensive ratings in the game!” the .071 hitter lamented. “Both Colleen [LeMasters] and the other girl are like a 58 for contact and power! I have a 25 for contact and my power is a 12? A TWELVE! I thought the lowest rating possible was a 45!”

The length of the standoff between EA Sports and the players association will most-likely take months, eliminating any chance of resumption of the playoffs.

“It’s over,” Newell said. “We had our post-season party last week.”

On the field, some team in blue – which was in no way affiliated with the Athletic Department of the Division I program that hails from Uptown in the Big Easy – was crushed in two games and played horrible defense, confusing many of the fans who came out for the playoff opener.

“That wasn’t the staff? They had blue shirts on,” one (confused) unidentified fan said. Alas, it was not. Contrary to rumors, The Staff, nor any of the other teams scheduled to play took the field. This became apparent upon watching the imposters play, as the general fan consensus was that there was no way that The Staff could have played that poorly or lost by such a huge margin.

League commissioner Derek Bugg was outraged that imposters were using the intramural field without his permission. “You know what, though, I’m not gonna sit out there and yell ‘Get off my lawn’ like some old white dude. I just went home to see my girl. Whatever.”

The Staff, Team Sniggs and Los Pollos Locos finished tied for the league championship with identical 2-1 records.

*The above is a recap of how I spent my Monday night, as a member of The Staff (obvi). Game recap and story written by guest blogger Kevin Wilkinson.

3 comments on “Players’ Strike Cancels Intramural Softball Playoffs

  1. Those guys danced great for a bunch of white guys – no overbites!

    No need for Bob Adler to practice – he’s got it going all day long!

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