My thoughts on a natural disaster named Ida

I wanted to take a moment to write an open letter to Tropical Storm Ida, which, according to all reports, is gaining on hurricane status as it makes its way to the Gulf.

Dear Ida,

I don’t know if you know this or not, but I’m new to New Orleans and the Gulf of Mexico. That being said, I think we have something in common: we both enjoy the warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico. They really are splendid, I can see you have excellent taste. I mean, I don’t even have to wear a sweatsuit when I go to the beach down here like I did in California, so I can appreciate your affinity to the Gulf waters.

So now that it has been established that we are practically akin with our good taste in beaches, I would very much appreciate it if you would help a sista out and would hold off on visiting. Say, til you become less than a tropical depression? The thing of it is, I haven’t ever experienced a hurricane and I was hoping to keep that streak alive a little longer. I have seen pictures and it doesn’t look awesome. Just last night, I was setting my GPS and at a particular point in Metairie, I thought that 127 feet above sea level was high and something must be wrong with the aforementioned GPS because we are close to sea level, not a “towering” 127 feet above it. Then I thought of what 127 feet would look like and my mind went to how many of my junior prom date stacked on top of himself that would be and it occurred to me that it wasn’t very much. He was very tall. And while I enjoy the water very much, I do not enjoy driving in it or when it comes near my place of residence. I can say that with assurance because Napa is also prone to flooding and it was recalled that one time, during a particular flood (probably the Great Flood of ’86, as I call it), water was lapping up our driveway and it was equally as un-awesome as this would be. Never mind that I was 3 and don’t remember, that’s neither here nor there.

Last week everyone was saying how you were “weakening” and “Tropical Storm Ida wouldn’t amount to much” and I can understand how that would irritate you and make you want to prove the meteorologists here wrong but Ida, don’t listen to them. They are always wrong.

The other thing that I hope you will consider before coming to visit is that I recently moved and I am so close to being done with the unpacking, it would really bum me out to have to pack it all up again. Also, I moved all 22 of my scrapbooks myself and I can assure you, they are way heavier than they look so I would really love it if I didn’t have to do that again. Especially since I’m still nursing my pulled abdominal muscle from my adventures in getting back in shape.

So if you go away, I too will send you a fruit basket from Edible Arrangements but, as my friend Megan said about your cohort Hurricane Rick, “if we happen to meet the Category 1 side of you on next week, I’ll be polite but don’t expect a welcome hug”.