Everything I ever needed to know about driving in CA…

…I learned from watching CHiPs (which happened to be my absolute favorite show growing up. Yes, I’m perfectly aware of the fact that I was born during its final season.)

Since I have been stranded at multiple airports alllll day (none of which are in California–more on today in another post), I made a list that I will now share. I call it my “Everything I ever needed to know about driving in CA, I learned from watching CHiPs” list. I might turn it into a poster.

  • Reckless driving will inevitably lead to a car rolling over or taking flight (which is almost guaranteed to be in slow motion).
  • Free time is really best spent hang gliding, parasailing or jet-skiing.
  • Never keep your purse on the passenger seat of your car because an old high school teammate who has taken to a life of crime after falling on hard times could roll up beside you on a motorcycle in stop-and-go traffic and snatch it.
  • Guns never really need to be drawn. The sheer presence of a knight stick usually draws the “aww-shucks-kick-the-dirt-with-the-big-toe” surrender of the culprit.
  • Lost/runaway children can always be found playing a cement river bed.
  • Never feed your infant baby food found on the side of the road, even if it looks like it’s in a box from the company, then drive up a canyon road with limited vehicle access, as the food probably contains poison that causes botulism and CHP will be forced to rig together a baby bjorn and ride your infant down the canyon road to the waiting ambulence. You will still be trapped on the mountain road because you drive a VW bus and not a CHP motor.
  • If, while driving, you spot a low-flying plane in distress, slowly begin weaving across lanes of traffic to slow vehicles down to clear a runway for the plane’s emergency landing.
  • The CHP will always beat the LAPD in basketball, racquetball or any other sport in which they compete. Victory can be attributed to the shorty shorts that make up the uniform.
  • If live power lines ever fall on the trunk of your car, that’s leaking gasoline, while you’re inside, stay put because not only will your rubber tires save you (and maybe your baby’s) life but it’s only a matter of time before a good-looking CHP officer flings himself onto the hood of your car to save you.
  • Your car will always catch fire in a crash. Always. And you will always get pulled out by a CHP officer just before it blows. Always.
  • If you run a car-theft ring in Southern California, you will be thwarted by the CHP.
  • High-speed chase music is best when created with a combination of a trumpet and a synthesizer.

**I am adding a disclaimer that the above is for funsies, not real life. I can just see myself getting sued because I told some ya-hoo to weave across lanes of traffic to help the plane land and he tells authorities that “someone online told him to”.**